personal stuff

[nilchance]

so I had a diagnostic mammogram on Friday to follow up on some stuff they saw in October, and apparently I need a biopsy now. there's a roughly 2 cm calcification that sprung up in the last 6 months plus another area of calcification in the same breast. the radiologist reassured me that there's an 80% chance it's benign and there's no history of breast cancer in either side of my biological family, but I'm worrying a little bit. I'll admit that a large part of my anxiety is based around the fact that the biopsy is done under a local anesthetic and involves a loud, sudden noise that might make me jump while getting impaled because I have PTSD and an exaggerated startle reflex. I've been hella distracted for the last few days; I'm not making progress on the novel or in my coursework, which just adds to the anxiety. thankfully I have plenty of d&d games to get my mind off of things, but at the moment the biopsy isn't until May 9th. that's a long time to be chewing on this.

and then there's the fact that this won't be resolved until after I meet with the gender therapist to get assessed for a WPATH letter, so I'm wondering if I should reschedule until after the biopsy and add another month or so wait to the top surgery quest. it's funny, one of the first things I thought on the drive home was that hey, if I do get hit with that slim one-in-five chance of it being malignant, at least I can ask for a double mastectomy and skip all the bureaucratic faffing about. XD

so yeah, if I seem quiet and moody, that's what is going on with me.

Comments

[beanside]

*hug* I love you. We'll get through this.

[nilchance]

I love you too. <3

[dine]

sounds like reason to be quiet & moody - I'm sorry you're facing uncertainty; even if the probable outcomes aren't likely to be bad, it's still so hard.

thinking of you!

[nilchance]

thank you. <3 yeah, the uncertainty is definitely hard, as is the fact that I can't do anything about it. I appreciate the good thoughts very much.

[tabaqui]

Aww, I'm sorry.
*offers hugs*
Physical health/testing/stuff is all just a gigantic YUCK, and never made better by other, ongoing *stuff*.

Please inform them of your startle reflex and tell them you can't control it and you're worried about it; have them make some accommodation or find a work around or just give them the info so they can make sure you don't get hurt. They'll appreciate that, and it'll make it better for you.

[nilchance]

that's a really good idea re: informing them about the startle reflex. I've been doing a lot of research and most people say that their doctor warned them about the loud noise and did a little countdown before it so they wouldn't jump, so I may ask them if they can do that for me.

and thank you! I will happily accept the hugs.

[coyotegestalt]

ugh, bodies

<3

remember your friends, and lots of dragons, are here for you

[nilchance]

"ugh, bodies" is a big mood this week for sure. and thank you, that helps a lot. I'm trying really hard not to self-isolate, and it's nice to have a reminder. <3

[weyrlady]

Gods, the waiting is the worst, I swear. I hope you are able to get through the biopsy without incident and that the news is good. <3 It is kind of ironic that you were already planning on getting them taken off, maybe you can add this to your portfolio of reasons why it's a good idea?

[nilchance]

oh yeah, I'm definitely adding this to the list of reasons that I want them gone. especially since they've flagged a potential problem in the right one too, and I do not want to have to keep swapping off boobs for various biopsies for the rest of my life. they're limited edition boobs at this point, for sure.

and thank you! <3

[epeeblade]

*hugs*

[nilchance]

*many hugs in return*