The Lady Laughs

I've run out of ways to tell you how much your writing kills me, but it still DOES. Just... Okay and I don't even know how to describe what I'm talking about but Jensen's so ANGRY here and it's so perfect. Just. The way he doesn't know how to live and it's confusing and messy and hard and it just makes him more pissed off because it feels like they want him to be someone he's NOT and he doesn't know how to HANDLE that. He can take the brutality but JEEZUM CROW the agony of people being NICE to him is slowly driving him insane. Because it's all about waiting for the other shoe to drop and waiting for the nice to go away (because it always does). And the little side note of bitterness that they're not even using him for sex...just.... Gah. Again, perfect. Where he doesn't want it (in one sense; he doesn't want to be USED, ne pas?) but at the same time, if they were fucking him it would be a tangible sign that he was WORTH SOMETHING to them. Whereas right now he doesn't know what they want or how to give it to them or a way to earn his keep. And do you see? Do you see what you do to my brain?