FIC: Paint It Black (1/1)

[nilchance]

Title: Paint It Black
Author: nilchance
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Characters herein are used without permission. No infringement intended, no profit made, no lawsuit preferred.
Summary: AU. Gen. Continuation of Gimme Shelter. Sam has some questions.
A/N: Beta services still provided by the incomparable eponin10, without whom this would be a cluttered mess. That said, any remaining mistakes are all me.



The witching hour crawled by as Missouri sat in her kitchen, holding on tight to the cup of tea she wasn't drinking. She could hear her house shifting around in time with Sam's restless sleep. He'd taken her bed, since she'd stripped her spare room barren again. After countless rounds of shopping at second-hand stores to clothe and keep the boy, Sam's life had been collected into one suitcase and a duffel bag. Sam had stood by and watched her pack everything up, as quiet as he'd been since Bobby's call changed everything.

He'd been quiet when she called for a plane ticket, too. When Missouri had closed up things at his school, Sam had stayed home. Sam, whose questions about nothing in particular had eaten up more than a few hours of her time, didn't ask her for one explanation. Now, when it mattered most, Sam let those questions brew in the silence between them.

It'd be easier if the boy was angry. Missouri didn't even know what Bobby had told him in their brief conversation, if Sam knew how deep her deception ran.

She owed him an explanation, but every time she started, they turned to excuses on her tongue. Missouri didn't barter in excuses. She'd fucked up hard, and the boy deserved better than some half-ass story about a future that could've been. Visions were more like watercolors than carved stone, lines bleeding into each other and fading into nothing in her hands. In the end, she couldn't explain why she'd kept John from his son. Only that John needed both of his boys, both, or-

Only darkness down that path, and the bitter stench of sulfur. She couldn't find answers there, no more than she could find Dean when John had asked. That still nagged at her, an ache like old joints in the rain.

The house creaked softly, a familiar song. Missouri felt her fingers tighten on the rim of her mug as she heard Sam come down the hall, his bare feet nearly silent on the carpet. In a few years, he'd walk with the same predator's grace as his father. Blood told, even if she didn't like its stories.

Sam stopped in the doorway, watching her for a few long moments. When he didn't turn away, Missouri got up and started the stove under the teapot. It was too warm for hot chocolate, but damned if she wouldn't make him one last cup for ritual's sake. It had quieted his nightmares before. Maybe it would hold them back for a while once he was gone.

"Missouri?" Sam asked finally.

"Yeah, baby." Missouri opened the cabinet above the stove and took down the chocolate mix. There was still half a box left. She couldn't stand the stuff, herself. "Dreams?"

"I had a question."

Her hand stilled above the mug. She swallowed. "Fair enough. What's your question?"

Sam bit his lip. "Is, um." Something trembled under the surface of his voice, rippling like motion under deep water. "Is he gonna like me?"

Missouri turned her head to look at Sam. "Bobby? Or Dean?"

"Dean," Sam said, like he wasn't sure what to do with the name. "Is Dean gonna like me?"

"That's a hard question." Mostly to occupy her hands, Missouri spooned out the mix into Sam's cup.

Once she would've had a quick answer. She didn't know what had changed: whether Dean had borne the last eight years like Sam, battered but whole, or if he'd broken as hard as his father. Bobby hadn't told her anything, only that Dean was alive. She'd spent enough time around hunters to know there was a long, hard stretch of road between alive and whole.

"He's your brother," Missouri said finally.

"What does that mean?" Frustrated, Sam knotted his fingers into fists. "Nobody told me about him until just now. I don't know him. He doesn't know-"

"All right." Missouri took the teapot off its burner and went to Sam, kneeling on the floor. Might not be easy to get up later, but that could be tolerated. Not this, not if she didn't curb Sam before he got started. "C'mere, boy."

"Where?" Sam sulked, but let her pull him up close. She could feel the cold sweat of a nightmare, clammy on his forehead, when she reached out to push his hair back behind his ear. "I'm not a little kid, Missouri."

"Honey, I buy your shoes. There's nothing little about you." When Sam didn't smile, Missouri sighed. "I saw your brother and you once. Back before your daddy lost you."

Sam looked at her from under his eyelashes. "You didn't tell me," he said, his voice quiet with betrayal.

"I know," Missouri murmured. "But I'm telling you now. You were just a baby. Little ball of energy, trying to get into everything at once. Dean wouldn't let you out of his sight. Followed you everywhere to keep an eye on you. Smiled when you smiled. Made you laugh. When you went down for a nap, he sat on my couch and he held you tight just to be sure where you were. Most kids that age, they'd be bored as hell, but not him with you."

Sam looked down at the floor, dark hair escaping to hide his face again. His sleep shirt had slid over the ball of his shoulder, where the burn scars showed like grasping pale fingers. She couldn't read his expression, but she saw the stubborn line of his jaw and the traitorous shine of his eyes. "Did he love me?" Sam asked, like the words were jerked out of him.

"He loves you. Very much."

The jut of Sam's jaw wobbled a little. He swallowed, fingers knotting in the hem of his shirt, then blurted, "I'm not going. You can't make me."

"Sam." Missouri leaned back to meet his eyes. Sam hadn't cried since he came, not for the nightmares or for the mothers he'd lost. He was welling up now. "Don't you want to meet your brother?"

Sam's chest hitched, once, until he swallowed back whatever wanted to come out. "No," Sam gritted out. "I don't. I don't. I hate him already."

"You're a lousy liar," Missouri said gently.

"I don't want to." Shoving himself away from her hands, Sam backed into the doorway. "Everybody'll die again. I don't want him to die."

When she started to reach for him, Sam pressed further back into the frame. Missouri lowered her hands, resting them on her knees. "It's been months, Sam. The demon hasn't come here, has it?"

Sam didn't answer. The look on his face froze her words in her throat.

Missouri sat hard on her kitchen floor. It took time to steady her voice. "When?"

His attention darted to the floor. Sam gripped his arms with both hands, tight, and shook his head.

"Goddamn it, boy, when?"

Sam flinched from her, nails putting half-moon dents in his arms. He was favoring his side a little, like he had when a soccer ball caught him in the ribs. He wasn't her son; he'd barely been hers at all. His voice was very small when he spoke, his eyes focused on her knees. "I'm not supposed to tell," he whispered. "Please don't ask me."

Slowly, Missouri reached out and caught hold of Sam's shirt. Sam stiffened, but didn't resist.

The bruises stained Sam from ribs to hip, red and dark as the mark of Cain. Missouri studied them until her eyes burned, then lowered the shirt and drew Sam into her arms. He shivered there, pressing his forehead against her shoulder.

Layers of wards ringed Bobby's yard, along with the protection provided by Bobby and his dogs. Blood had its own power; twelve years old or not, Dean could safeguard his brother better than a half-rate psychic. Sam would be safer there.

Her heart ached like betrayal.

"You're going to your brother, baby," she murmured, finger-combing his messy hair. "You're going home."

Comments

[staceey.livejournal.com]

Oh man this was so good. I need more like yesterday! xD I really cant wait for when you bring Sam and Dean together again! And this? twelve years old or not, Dean could safeguard his brother better than a half-rate psychic So true.

[mafan.livejournal.com]

I completely & utterly agree! With everything.

[eloise-bright.livejournal.com]

Oh, my heart's cracking open at the thought of them meeting up again. So glad you're continuing this. This 'verse has stayed in my mind, and I keep thinking about it and worrying about the boys not being together.

You write exquisitely.

[embroiderama]

Wow, I love seeing more in the universe. Sam's fear is so tangible, and I want to hug him like Missouri did.

[ignipes.livejournal.com]

I just read this story and the previous one, and wow, what a fascinating, powerful, and heartbreaking life you've created for them. I love the awful feeling of evil stalking Sam at every step, and my heart just aches to think of him and Dean and John finally being together again. I really hope you continue this!

♥

[eponin10.livejournal.com]

As always, this series is fantastic!

[squee1123.livejournal.com]

*bounces* EEE! You continued! This whole 'verse is just...i love it.

[elz.livejournal.com]

Blood told, even if she didn't like its stories.

Nice. And: eek! This is a fantastic universe, dark and engrossing, and I would love, love, love to see what happens next.

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

Wow! I didn't think there was going to be more written in this universe, so I'm thrilled to see this piece appear. I love that Sam is trying to protect Missouri (and everyone else) from all the death that follows him, even the brother he doesn't remember. Missouri makes me sad - she obviously loves Sam like a son, but most important is his safety, and she is wise enough to know her limitations. The picture of little Dean with baby Sam is also heartbreaking, with their forcible separation imminent - I wonder how Dean will deal with Sam being an actual person, with wants and a voice and independence, when he has clung to his image of his baby brother for so long.

[tobemeagain.livejournal.com]

You wrote more, I was really hoping that you would. Yipee *squees loud enough to wake the neighbors*
I love that this story is dark/emotional/gripping. All of the characters are so vivid even the guards at that "home" feel real.
*adds voice to the chorus of More, more, more that you are hearing*

[neroli66.livejournal.com]

Oh, this verse makes my heart ache, so glad to see more of it.

[alieneyes.livejournal.com]

Again, I love this idea. Thanks for sharing.

[too-rational.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love you. *tears up*

More, please please please? *sniffles*

[topaz119.livejournal.com]

Oh, this world breaks me into little, tiny pieces. I'm so happy to see more of it. =)

[mona1347.livejournal.com]

*GASP*

*CLUTCH*

THERE'S MORE. YOU MADE MORE. *smishes you to bosom*

"Is Dean gonna like me?"

*cries into my sandwich*

[iamstealthyone.livejournal.com]

Good to see this sequel to the other story, and it’s nicely done. :) Poor Sam, full of so much fear. I’m hoping you’ll do another piece and show the boys meeting up again. :)

Favorite lines:

Blood told, even if she didn't like its stories.

Ooh, great turn of phrase.

When you went down for a nap, he sat on my couch and he held you tight just to be sure where you were.

Aww. This image makes me want to squish Dean.

*squishes him*

"I don't want to." Shoving himself away from her hands, Sam backed into the doorway. "Everybody'll die again. I don't want him to die."

Oh, Sam. *hugs him*

[trishabooms.livejournal.com]

I loved the first part of this, it stayed with me for a long time. It's wonderful to see more.

[xnitelite.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, this 'verse hurts so much. Makes me want to hug everyone, including Missouri. Can't be easy letting Sam go, but she knows she has her limitations.

I want to see what happens next--how Bobby and Dean get along, if Dean ever talks, and what happens when he's finally reunited with Sam...

Thank you for posting this, btw. *g*

[cofax7]

Oh, I had no idea you'd written more of this! I loved "Gimme Shelter" so much, although it broke me too.

Poor Sam, who is so terrified, and doesn't know who he can trust--what a gut-punch that the YED is already after him.

This is a fantastic and terrifyingly painful AU, and I do hope you'll continue to write in it.

[fufaraw]

I first read Gimme Shelter months ago, and it affected me profoundly--I think it may be where my deep love for Bobby Singer started, actually. The thought of Dean and John separated, of Sammy reft from Dean, was almost too painful to contemplate, and what you wrote of what became of John and especially Dean was a true enough speculation to make my heart hurt.

But I'd not been so achingly sorry for Sam; although he'd lost two families and endured more than any baby should have to, he had Missouri, and was "safe" and protected.

At least I thought so, until now.

I do hope you'll continue to write in this 'verse. Your stories bring me to my knees like no one else's.

[fufaraw]

Er, no one else's stories, that is. Rather than no one else's knees. Because bringing me to someone else's knees, well...

That's a story of a different color, nu?

[calijirl5150.livejournal.com]

Oh this is great, was so excited to see an other part. LOooking forward to Dean & sam finally meeting.

[feral-faerie.livejournal.com]

Wow I really like this series, how you've managed to make the boys so broken and yet still have some of the same characteristics that they have in the show. I'd love to know if you're going to do a follow up where Dean and Sam meet.

[virtualinsomnia]

I just got around to reading this and "Gimme Shelter" and I have to say, I really hope you continue this. It's just incredible, and I'm completely wrapped up in what happens to Dean and Sam.

[kbpen.livejournal.com]

Whimper. Please, may I have some more?

Thanks, kbpen

[hanahap.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thanks - good to see things from Sam's POV. I take it he isn't aware that at the moment his brother is a salivating, crazed animal-like juvinile delinquent who is autistic. Whew. Are you considered doing more with this idea? I would LOVE to see them meet. Maybe after Dean's calmed down a little. Although I could totally see him being a badass-foster-kid-who-noboby-wants if John had really lost them. I think the military discipline was sometimes a good thing, man. As much as I hate John, I still like him, ya know?
Anyway, cheers! That wasted away a good hour of work time. Excellent.

Paint It Black

[yourlibrarian]

Very interesting verse. I especially felt for Dean, the descriptions of his conditions were pretty appalling. I have to wonder what the two will think of one another when they meet.

[faithintheboys.livejournal.com]

*Wibbles* More? Please? That was awesome, I really want more.

[calijirl5150.livejournal.com]

This is a very interesting premis you have going her. I'm likin very much :)

[qwertypoiuq.livejournal.com]

Oh my lord; my buddy linked me to this, and even though I usually steer clear of the gen, I trusted her judgement. MAN am I glad I did. This is... incredible; such a unique and perfectly executed idea, the painful roads that the boys must've travelled to get back to each other; it's amazing.

I'm horrified for Dean, and the idea of him not talking at all since being seperated from Sam is so feasible, it makes me ache for everything he's obviously gone through. And the thought of Sam losing EVERY adoptive mother; lord that boy's gonna have some commitment issues. Oh hell, my heart's breaking for both of them.

I'm thoroughly hooked and fascinated by this verse, just as I am with Deathknell, so you better believe I'm DESPERATE for more. Hope to see an update soon!

[not-sally.livejournal.com]

You are KILLING me. I love this like freaking canon, but I just want Sam and John and Dean to be reunited again and hug, and be happy, and blast the YED with their power of their Winchester-awesomeness and then there'll be rainbows and puppies. *sobs*

[thanatoseve.livejournal.com]

Absorbing suspense, a subtle chilling thriller.

[skippy-peanuts.livejournal.com]

it doesn't stop there does it? there's more right? please say there's more. i'm really hoping there's more.
i really liked this story.
poor sam. everyone he cares about ends up dead.:-(

[harrigan.livejournal.com]

I've been putting together a list of my very favorite fics (which means I have to re-visit them, of course) and that brings me here. PLEASE tell me you'll write more of this? It's just heart-breaking and amazing and there's a whisper of hope.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

1) I can't believe I never reviewed when I read the first chapter, because it blew me away and I was telling people about it in comments to them.

2)Holy crap this is great, and I"m dying for the next one. Like seriously. It's just an "Oh--everyone" verse. Dean and John and Sammy and even Bobby and Missouri.
Amazing.

[grackles.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, this is incredibly good. I hope you plan on writing some more of it!

[pcan.livejournal.com]

dude. MORE!! please?

[girlfan1979.livejournal.com]

Oh!

Bobby hadn't told her anything, only that Dean was alive. She'd spent enough time around hunters to know there was a long, hard stretch of road between alive and whole.

What a way to put it.

[chasethecat.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, this verse breaks my heart! In the best way possible, of course. *grin* Loved it.

[elektrik-storm.livejournal.com]

*wails* argh!!!!!! need more now *quickly dashes at tears* my poor wee!Sammy!

[uknoit863.livejournal.com]

And you . .. . STOPPED?!?!?! NOOOOO!!!!! There must be more! There MUST BE!!

[tabaqui]

Oh, Sammy, oh, oh, oh...
*hugs him*

And yeah, fucked up bad, Missouri. Just...
*flails*

Lovely stuff, again.

[9thof9.livejournal.com]

I read "Did he love me?" as Will he love me? I had managed not to cry up until that point.

[keerawa.livejournal.com]

"Everybody'll die again. I don't want him to die."
*cries for Sam*