(no subject)

[nilchance]

I'm officially under four weeks until top surgery, which will be on September 11. I had my preop on Tuesday, and my god, I was stressing it so hard. I was a mess obsessing over the "what if?" factor. what if my blood pressure is too high? what if I secretly have diabetes and it comes back in my bloodwork? what if I'm anemic again? I have a few wonky teeth, what if they won't let me get intubated? etcetera, etcetera. long story short, the preop went absolutely fine and my bloodwork came back perfectly normal. the doctor actually told me on her way out that she wished me a good recovery, so I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear.

I'm still anxious a little bit about surgery getting cancelled for various reasons. I'm on the top surgery subreddit and I've seen a couple horror stories about surgeries getting cancelled the day of. I keep having intrusive thoughts about doing something like thoughtlessly eating something that morning or forgetting my photo ID, which is silly but keeps cycling through my brain. I actually talked to my therapist about it, and he told me that if HE had been wanting something for decades and he was within a month of finally getting it, he'd be anxious too. basically, I'm supposed to not pathologize a very normal thing and to have some empathy for the part of myself that's scared. empathy for myself is not my strong suit, but I'm trying.

this last month I know I'm going to be bouncing wildly between elation and anxiety. the elation is definitely winning, because I keep looking at my countdown app and wanting to ricochet around telling everybody that it's only 27 days now omg!!!! while understanding that I probably shouldn't inundate my friends with daily countdowns. I've read all the preop instructions and handouts they sent a billion times already, and I've watched a ridiculous amount of vlogs, and I have a to-do list on googledocs, and I'm just generally very excited.

Comments

[dine]

hey, if doing a daily countdown helps you, go for it! if folks don't want to hear it, they can skim by

it sounds like your therapist is wise - being excited/anxious knowing something long desired is approaching & close is not unusual

[nilchance]

this is true! the nice thing about being on my own dreamwidth. I am definitely pestering T with daily updates.

my therapist is great, and it made me feel a lot better not to have to be worried about being worried.

[tabaqui]

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you.
Perfectly normal to have those thoughts and emotions. NOT the same, but when my ex and I were buying our house, I literally told NO ONE until we had the keys in our hands and were packing stuff in a truck to move. I just...couldn't do it.
So i get having weird, panicky thoughts about something you REALLY want.

[nilchance]

thank you! I'm really looking forward to it. and oh my gosh, yeah, I totally get that. home buying is such a huge thing, and you don't want to jinx it or to have to explain what happened if it falls through.

[tabaqui]

EXACTLY. :D