Thinky thoughts
Dec. 11th, 2009 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nilchanceThe Shame Game, a discussion of shame and poverty in the US.
I'm still unemployed. I'm still deeply ashamed, down where I can't even analyze, of the fact that I "couldn't hack" all the minimizing bullying crap my old employer used to throw at me. I'm ashamed of the fact that I can't get unemployment, even, because my reasons for leaving weren't good enough for the state. Never mind that all the people I trust tell me that I did what I had to for my sanity and for my health; I don't trust me. My judgment of the situation. My ability to cope. I quit because I thought I was going to be fired or I would seriously injure myself if I stuck around. I couldn't breathe in that office; her influence was so choking that we were all paranoid.
I'm ashamed of being "insubordinate". I'm ashamed even though my parents, the last folks in the world to dispense empty comfort, told me I have to let it go. I think I'll feel this until the day I die, this small black worm inside my heart. And if I buy that programming, even though I was raised middle-class by two feminist parents and I watched my mom go through cycles of bullying managers for years until one made her collapse in a Georgia parking lot and finally retire, even if I intellectually know better...
Man, this country is fucked in the head.
I'm still unemployed. I'm still deeply ashamed, down where I can't even analyze, of the fact that I "couldn't hack" all the minimizing bullying crap my old employer used to throw at me. I'm ashamed of the fact that I can't get unemployment, even, because my reasons for leaving weren't good enough for the state. Never mind that all the people I trust tell me that I did what I had to for my sanity and for my health; I don't trust me. My judgment of the situation. My ability to cope. I quit because I thought I was going to be fired or I would seriously injure myself if I stuck around. I couldn't breathe in that office; her influence was so choking that we were all paranoid.
I'm ashamed of being "insubordinate". I'm ashamed even though my parents, the last folks in the world to dispense empty comfort, told me I have to let it go. I think I'll feel this until the day I die, this small black worm inside my heart. And if I buy that programming, even though I was raised middle-class by two feminist parents and I watched my mom go through cycles of bullying managers for years until one made her collapse in a Georgia parking lot and finally retire, even if I intellectually know better...
Man, this country is fucked in the head.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-12 06:28 am (UTC)You need to be gentle on yourself right now. I only know you online, but I've got flisters that I roll my eyes at and go "really? how do you survive in the real world?" but you're not one of them. You strike me as a strong woman that does what needs to be done. You know your limits, you know what happens if you go over your limits and really? That makes you a better employee, because you can say "I'm sorry, I can't do that." instead of taking it on and dropping the ball.
So, take care of yourself. You're not insubordinate, you're not worthless. You left a job that was slowly killing you. You'll get something better and the shame will fade.