a top surgery feelings ramble

[nilchance]

I've been watching a lot (A LOT) of vlogs about top surgery in preparation for the consult, so I know what to ask and what to expect from the process, and I'm having unexpected feelings. several of the people had their biological families with them the whole way, all these excited and supportive parents and siblings. I'm not in contact with my biological family, and if I WAS, they would be so freaked out. I've asked T and her sister to keep anything about top surgery off of the social media sites my family knows about because I think if they found out then somebody would actually show up on our doorstep to attempt an intervention. I've told T that if my brother (who she's in contact with purely to keep tabs on my father's health) asks how I'm doing, she can tell him I'm having a breast reduction, but there's no way in hell I'm telling him I'm trans because it'd immediately get back to my father. after the way my father reacted when I first came out to him as queer, he doesn't get another chance.

(I've also been having stray thoughts about what my mother would've thought if she was alive. she was the one most attached to having a daughter because shared woman power connected uniquely to the goddess, fuck the man, etc, but she was cool when I came out. there's even odds that if I explained I was nonbinary then she would a) completely lose her shit and go full TERF on me because I had stopped being a woman or b) be like "oh, is that an option? I have to tell everyone at the UU!" and then buy me a billion terrible pagan books about gender. I both regret not being able to tell her and am glad that I don't have to.)

I'm incredibly lucky to have the support system I do. my wife has been amazing and supportive the whole way, and my SIL is going to take off work for the consult and for the days after surgery, and my big tough BIL doesn't understand why the process is taking so long and will bring me food about it, and I have many incredible encouraging friends who I can vent to or pester after surgery when I'm laid up and bored. I'm good, I don't need anything else. it's just.... FEELINGS. they are dumb and I am low-key wistful for what I could've had.

Comments

[dine]

I'm so glad you're moving forward, and that you have such a strong support system. I don't know personally, but it seems like a big change like this would obviously bring up all sorts of feelings; it sounds like you're dealing mostly ok.

♥

[nilchance]

thank you so much! <3 yeah, I'm having the occasional flare-up of anxiety re: related purely to the paperwork and the process of getting it rather than the actual surgery, but 99% of the time I'm excited and doing great. it's just requiring a lot of self-reflection.

[beanside]

I wish I could wave the wand and make things easier for you. But I can say that I'll be there through this and through whatever comes.

[nilchance]

thank you, sweetheart. I love you. you've made this as easy as it can possibly be. <3

[epeeblade]

*hugs*

[nilchance]

fierce hugs back!

[weyrlady]

Absolutely understandable, honestly. I'm sorry your surviving family is terrible. I think you'd be perfectly justified in just assuming you'd have your mother's support and taking comfort in that.