nilchance: original art from a vintage print; art of a woman being struck by lightning (dean)
Laughing Lady ([personal profile] nilchance) wrote2009-06-10 02:47 pm
Entry tags:

FIC: Drown in the Wonders

Title: Drown in the Wonders
Author: [livejournal.com profile] nilchance
Rating: PG, gen
Disclaimer: Characters herein are used without permission. No infringement intended, no profit made, no lawsuit preferred.
Summary: In the first days after Dean's birth, John used to creep into his crisp new nursery.



In the first days after Dean's birth, John used to creep into his crisp new nursery. The walls still smelled tacky with paint; everything was fresh, even the rocking chair they'd bought from consignment and that John waxed to a shine. Only the best for his girl.

Dean was crashed out on his stomach, the way they were told back then, his tiny mittened fist clenched up like he was resisting all the sleeping he was doing. He didn't twitch when John carefully knelt down by the crib, though John was ready to move quick and soothe him before Mary tried to get out of bed, just huffed out those small precious milk-sweet breaths.

John's hand almost didn't fit through the bars. He had to wriggle to touch Dean's back with his fingertips, looking coarse and tan against the baby-blue onesie. Dean inhaled through his nose, eyes twitching behind pale lids. At least the poor kid didn't look like a squished red alien anymore.

"Shh, now. Shh. Your mom's worn out." John leaned his cheek against the bar, watching his son. His son, and how weird was that?

He'd been seeing Mary's belly fill out and swell over the last eight months, but there had been too many disasters in both their families for John to rest easy that yeah, there'd be a kid at the end of this run. A kid, not Mary crying herself sick in the ER with blood still sticky on her thighs, not like their first try. John had tried not to think ahead about this, about holding a tiny squalling baby, about taking his boy home with them even though neither of them knew what the hell they were doing. John had hurried them out to the Impala, honestly, afraid that any second a doctor would call out, "wait, that guy flunked the test, that guy is a dumb grunt from 'Nam, what does he think he's doing?"

Mary would just raise an eyebrow at him if she knew what he was thinking. Lucky she's sleeping.

His son. John let himself run that over in his mind until he knew the shape of it, until he could reassemble it in the dark.

He had never been this afraid. Even in the mud and gore of infantry, even holding Mary beside her father's corpse, he hadn't felt this awful gut-clench of terror that he would lose them both, or that the frail rhythm of Dean's breathing would stop. Which brought him crawling into Dean's room to touch Dean's back, small enough that John could span it with his hand, and be sure that he was still there. Unimagined and whole. John felt his own lungs ache with trying to breathe for them both.

"I love you," he accused, the words wrenched out, desperate and spooked. It's new minted and painful, this irrational love for a baby he just met, too raw to think about for long. "So you keep breathing there, kid. Don't you stop."

Dean whuffled and tried to cram his whole fist into his mouth, mitten and all.
ext_3058: (Default)

[identity profile] deadlychameleon.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 06:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Awwwwwwwwwwww!

"So you keep breathing there, kid. Don't you stop."

Easy to forget sometimes, that John was a normal dad once.
embroiderama: (John & Mary)

[personal profile] embroiderama 2009-06-10 07:16 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh geez. *tears up* This is gorgeous.

[identity profile] jdsgirlbev.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 07:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Quite an emotional whallop for something this short and simple. Beautiful.
ext_3058: (Default)

[identity profile] deadlychameleon.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 07:59 pm (UTC)(link)
Also, this totally makes me want more Waiting for the Dawn verse. *sigh* I will totally beta for you!

[identity profile] tobemeagain.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 08:05 pm (UTC)(link)
I wasn't sure whether to Awww, laugh or cry - that was a whole lot of feelings John had going there. Very accurate too. Years later he still kept that still breathe mentallity, he just put it a bit differently. *smish*
ext_12410: (spn - dad and boys (by kiraboshi))

[identity profile] tsuki-no-bara.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 08:19 pm (UTC)(link)
i love the mix of fear and worry and wonder and love. aw, john.
ext_13391: (John_has_power)

[identity profile] smilla02.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 09:05 pm (UTC)(link)
This is gorgeous! *sniff*

[identity profile] serendip50.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 10:03 pm (UTC)(link)
This was sublime. ..."small precious milk-sweet breaths"...wondrous line. Dean is so precious now and then. And it is so blatantly obvious in this piece. But so tragically missing in his life.

Thank you for this. xx

ext_7751: (baby Dean & John 2)

[identity profile] janissa11.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 10:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Tearing up and melting, both. I don't think I have ever loved John more deeply as here.
ext_21638: (Default)

[identity profile] spae.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 10:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh John. This is the daddy you should have had a chance to be throughout your sons' lives. We see little sneaky peeks, but ♥ x a billionty, you big-hearted schmoo.

And that goes for you too, nilchance, you awesome puppeteer. *blinks (wo)manfully*

[identity profile] niccy07.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 11:07 pm (UTC)(link)
That was beautiful. A parents love- is amzing.

[identity profile] deathangelgw.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 11:07 pm (UTC)(link)
omg the CUTE!!!!
ext_11786: (spn:deanandjohn:beginning)

[identity profile] dotfic.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 11:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Aw, this is lovely.

[identity profile] dodificus.livejournal.com 2009-06-10 11:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh jesus. Oh *John*.

[identity profile] lomer.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 03:38 am (UTC)(link)
Damn woman, why don't you just take all my repressed biological ticking and bring it to the forefront. I have vague memories of examining my baby sister in her crib like this, and more clear ones of holding my dear friends son in my arms and watching him sleep.

We so often see John the Hunter, is wonderful to see John the Dad, especially in those early days. Lovely story! So lovely in fact that I stayed up past my bedtime to read it. *g*

[identity profile] not-sally.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 04:33 am (UTC)(link)
Oh dear god, how can you break me with something so tiny?
This was absolutely beautiful.

[identity profile] graceandfire.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 07:19 am (UTC)(link)
Awww. So hard to remember that John was a regular dad once, with regular worries. Very sweet.

[identity profile] atypia.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 11:03 am (UTC)(link)
I LOVE THIS TO HARDCORENESS AND BEYOND.
ext_1310: (don't you know daddy's coming)

[identity profile] musesfool.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 02:23 pm (UTC)(link)
*sniffle*

Aw, John. It's easy to forget what he lost, too.

[identity profile] kjfri.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 02:40 pm (UTC)(link)
My word, that was beautiful and gut-wrenching at the same time - all the excitment, fear and awe that babies inspire wrapped up in a neat little package. Amazing.
innie_darling: (dean loves his daddy)

[personal profile] innie_darling 2009-06-11 03:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Aww, man, John! Being a new daddy!
ext_19832: (Default)

[identity profile] cream-fudge.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 08:38 pm (UTC)(link)
This is sooo beautiful! Never mind I just broke out in tears... totally worth it. ♥

[identity profile] nilchance.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 08:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Right? I think under some of John's most awful behaviors is the assertion that he MUST keep his sons alive. Because he couldn't survive losing one of them after Mary.

Thank you!

[identity profile] spazzer-mctwich.livejournal.com 2009-06-11 09:46 pm (UTC)(link)
god that was so gorgeous it was painful. there is nothing like holding a newborn in your arms.

[identity profile] nilchance.livejournal.com 2009-06-12 01:51 pm (UTC)(link)
*beam* Thank you!

Your icon is so pretty.

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